The Nebuchadnezzar magazine

Dear Lindsey,

I wanted to write you a personal letter preceding this article. Don’t get me wrong: this is not meant to disavow myself of hurting you, to play the victim, or a plea to take me back. It is to say I’m sorry, and to detail my recovery. Understandably, you may not want to read the truth of why I cheated. You may not want to hear about my inner self. And that’s okay.

All I want you to know is that the motivating force behind my actions had nothing to do with you. Rather, they pertained to the structural foundation of my internal person. I wanted to write this article, because I needed to understand that person, and why I did it. I wrote to understand what extent my actions impacted you. Above all, I wrote to give you the most sincere apology I’m capable of giving.

Below is the article. I get that the subject matter may be too fresh and intense for you, so you don’t have to read it now, or ever. An incredible amount of introspection, and vulnerability went into writing this. I read countless scholarly articles on psychology, and books to get here. Coupled with my own experience, I know it isn’t much, but I just wanted you to know. For what it’s worth, maybe it’ll help others.

Lastly, I want to apologize for how my actions discounted the great individual you are. My cheating tarnished what we had, and I’m sorry for that. 

You are and will always be a jewel to me.

I wish you everything (including a life after love),

Eric

*

This article is for my ex-girlfriend, Lindsey. She was my world, and I lost her because I cheated. My initial intent was to explain to her why I did it. That aim was selfish, and a vein attempt to redeem myself. The more I wrote, the more I discovered this wasn’t about her, but a distorted projection of myself.

Quite frankly I’m deeply ashamed, and disappointed with myself. To come clean, I suppose I am writing this article for myself. As selfish as that sounds, writing helps me understand the difference between my inner self and the world without self-destruction. It is where I can transcribe my rumination, and make rational sense of it. Writing is my terra firma where I excavate, and my site for learning and change.

Lastly, I want to make amends by helping others. I want to give you, the reader, a set of warning signs through personal experience. Then, preemptively you may choose to avoid them — because at the end of the day our Little Choices impact the Big Ones.

I want you to avoid the Big One, which is betraying someone you love. Let me be clear. Cheating is a terrible act that robs the other person of their self-worth, and dignity. It is an insult, of their mark upon you and themselves, of the life you lived, and of their future.

But it too, is a selfish accretion, stemming from self denial.

As atrocious as that sounds, I believe it can happen to anyone. In fact, from personal experience, if you think you’re special,  you’re amongst the most susceptible.

I want everyone to avoid the pain of cheating before it sets in, because once you have – there’s little you can take back.

*

It was my Junior year of college studying for my degree in English Education when I happened to have met Lindsey: a tall, intelligent Caucasian woman in her late twenties. At twenty five, I was still a kid.

We’d matched online, and decided to meet at an Indian restaurant on Milwaukee’s west side. Coming late from work, I noticed her in the window. She was wearing a black and white sundress.

This was the woman I’d been looking for. She was smart, with a distinct and subtle dark sense of humor, which I liked. I noted an introspection to her calmly thought out sentences. Her introversion, coupled with her maturity made me fawn. 

We connected over dinner, and grabbed drinks shortly afterward. I was over eager to show her my world, and ask her about hers. Then, the romance began. 

Throughout the span of seven months we travelled, and went on weekly dates. Even when I moved back to Madison with my family, I’d drive an hour and a half to see her. Never once during the initial months could I see myself with another person. Never could I see myself as unfaithful.

But in those latter months, despite not being able to admit to myself I most definitely was a cheater.

Infidelity. I will call it by its true name: disloyalty, better known as cheating.

I choose to call it by its name to derail its power from me, as a clear delineation between myself and the moral code I failed to uphold.

I believe that ousting that demon is a key step to recovery. It is calling the truth for what it is.

Infidelity is a hot topic: from Meg Ryan, Neil Strauss, Jay Z, to Ben Affleck. It’s run a shit storm in the news.

Society hates cheating. We hate it because it is an infraction of a promise made to another person: to share our sacred space with them, and them alone.

What I refused to acknowledge was this:

Love is a sanctuary we must be prepared to foster, as well as give. Our emotional maturity dictates the strength of the foundation.

Yet the question pervades. So, cheating. Why did I do it?

In short, I wasn’t prepared to uphold the standard, I had set out for myself through personal development: namely self love, self discipline, and self control.

Mistake 1: Admittance

It was 2 a.m. on a Sunday morning when my ex, and I broke up. We had just come from my best friend’s Halloween party dressed up as Salt, and Pepper.

We were lying in bed, when the fight began.

“Can I see your phone?”

“My phone?” I said, “Why do you want to see my phone? Are you being needy again?”

“Please, give me your phone.”

“No,” I said.

Still she insisted, tugging at my hand which held the phone to find the inevitable, heart-wrenching truth.

“Download Tinder,” she said sternly.

I sighed deeply. I’d been caught.

When the fire emblem popped up, my heart sank.

“Open up the app,” she said.

Weakly, I tapped the application, and entered my credentials.

“Now give it here.”

I shuttered thinking of the flirtatious conversations I’d been having with numerous women. The numbers, the projected dates. All of it was right there for her to read.

As she scrolled through my phone, inspecting the contents of each conversation, I could feel her hurt. I could feel her sting. And it was all because of me.

That sting hadn’t registered until she rolled over in bed, sat up and looked at me. The reality that this action of mine had personal consequences punched me in the gut.

Idiot, I thought.

Why wasn’t reality hitting me now? Why hadn’t it hit me before the thought came across my mind?

As the wave hit us both like a train, I saw the bright life behind her green eyes dim. Like jade they lost their luster for me, and my being.

Then the fight ensued, and the questioning. “How long has this been going on? Was this for sex? How many women were there? Is this because I’m not beautiful enough to you?”

The questioning continued, so fast I couldn’t even answer them. So fast I couldn’t acknowledge the extent of hurt she felt.

Screw what I felt.

My experience paled in significance to her own trial, to her own infinitesimal grief.

In that moment, I wanted to die.

I will never forget the hurt I saw in her eyes.

After getting her an Uber to a friends, she left the AirBnB. That night, I could hardly sleep.In the morning, I walked four and half miles to my car, because I didn’t have enough money in my account for a cab. This is the financial effect cheating had on me.

It was then, walking alone in the brisk morning that I felt enough to register the reality of the situation. I’m single, and wandering around on East Washington Avenue.

In hindsight although, I didn’t have sex with other women, I still cheated on my girlfriend Lindsey by chatting online. But it began before then, when I broke the pact with myself to uphold my moral standard.

This was hard to admit to myself, because it detracted from the image I had of myself.

I had a confirmation bias that I was good man, because my desire was to better myself. I had an ambition to become a teacher, a mission to help others, a point to prove, a lesson to teach.

I wanted to become the living incarnation of my values — as if they were concrete and could walk, and talk.

Holding on to this confirmation bias, was deleterious to my psyche.

In the words of writer Richard Matheson, “I nip the brew” that fed me – rationalizing against my better nature with disjointed actions that did not indicate my internal nature.

On the inside, my internal nature was fierce. I had left the Jehovah’s Witness religion without constructing a personal set of ideals to follow, drank to relieve this looming fear, and chatted with women to distract myself

I feared that by acting as I felt it would distance those I loved, and those I cared about.

In fact, the opposite was true.

I was a marionette pulled on strings by the whim of others, never once questioning what I truly wanted in order to make others happy.

This twisted act permitted me to lie to myself, while making promises to others. Thus, I began acting on impulses that were not consistent with my current level of emotional progress. I wanted to prove to myself that I could make it; thinking that the facade or rouse was strength.

In short, I wanted to prove to myself that I was mature enough to uphold societal standards of being exceptional – but I could not prove it to myself.

Corrupt? Yes.

Mistake 2: Failure to Ask the Tough Questions: How? And Why?

What people don’t tell you is that cheating can begin slowly.  I wonder if most people know that the seed may begin very slowly, with its roots in childhood.

Don’t get me wrong. I am NOT condoning cheating by any stretch of the imagination. Neither do I claim upbringing as the sole factor as apart from will.

But for me, I must acknowledge that it surely did. One rationalizes that they are a good person a.k.a. a person who upholds The Moral Standard.

One prides themselves on being transparent, on being kind, helpful, or nice. Constantly affirming a defined altruism for themselves.

On a basal level, so many of us want to be these things. We die for these values.

However, this standard – in which we perceive a person to be the sole vessel for absolute goodness does not exist in reality. This is a legends, a myth, and a lie.

What pervade are the undying principles prevalent in these stories. We laud celebrities as the living embodiment of these principles incarnate. People like Gandhi, Martin Luther King, or Siddhartha Gautama lived good lives as models for others to follow.

When celebrities transgress we slander them with hate speech, with mockery, and a bemusement at their fall. We demonize their character as a reflection of their person, because it is easier in our own minds to distance ourselves from this one simple truth: such people are only men.

They are only men which we cannot ascribe the public’s intents, and wishes upon. They are men and women who are susceptible to greed, and corruption. And like men they will heed their own ultimatum, and their own agenda to make sense of themselves as apart from the collective. Whether or not they utilize this knowledge to benefit themselves, or destroy others is another matter entirely.

Mistake 3 : A False Start – Making a Genuine Change Through Action

Do not accept your morally subjective confirmation bias in favor of glorifying your own self image.

Honorable people do not do this. They take the facts distinct from reality, and asses the better choice for themselves, and others. They choose these based on an intrinsic love for themselves, and the wellbeing of others.

I was dishonorable, because I did not love myself. And because I did not love myself, I wanted others to fill that void. So, I chose to wear society’s statutes upon me like a mask, thinking this would displace my own insecurity.

The end result was a lie incarnate. I became that lie. I walked and talked it. Then, I let my pride blockade me from acknowledging it to myself.

This is not what my ex girlfriend deserved. In fact, this is not what anyone deserves.

Even before the lying,  I knew there was something intrinsically wrong with my character.

Was it me, or the relationship? I couldn’t hone which one it was, because I did not want to admit that I was lying to myself.

It’s easy to take an external force, such as a relationship and pinpoint its errors. But it’s even harder to look at yourself – plain and simple – and acknowledge the problem is within yourself.

I chose not to look at my my emotional state, because I feared it would tarnish the image I would have of myself. That selfishness impacted my external rouse of a reality, and that’s my personal journey.

I now seek to face my own hypocrisy. And uphold my moral code through truth in the little actions I make. I seek to make a distinction between my Id’s desire’s, and express them in constructive ways.

Unless you internalize your error, by admitting that which you’ve done and acting upon it, you will always find ruin. Self-destruction through lying is the enemy of happiness.

Mistake 4: Choosing the Little Choices over the Big Ones

I am so far from perfect. So far.

Could it be that perfection is the constant strive for being better? Could it be that through little steps in judgement you will make better ones?

The Little Ones vs. Big Ones, is a silly concept I made up for myself. But it works for me, and here’s why.

In every moment of our lives we make small decisions that lead up to big decisions. We choose what time we’ll wake up, for what job we want; what clothes to wear, at what place we attend; when attend; what food to eat to get the body we want; to attract the partner we want.

Notice there’s an order here to personal development that requires adequate action that dictates the next choice. Those decisions are the Little Ones. Pick a card, any card.

The Big Ones pertain to our individual moral code. It is why we pick the specific Little decisions that will further us in life. That is to say, the unyielding decisions we must make to acquire self love, and fulfillment. They compel us to choose the vegetables over the steak, going to the gym over sitting at home, wearing a dress, and going on that date.

If we want a material incarnation of our internal happiness we must seek first to understand what our Big One is.

The Big One has two components. The two choices are:  The Self, or the Other.

The Self is comprised of two components. The Inner, and Outer Person. The goal is to seek cohesion between the two in our words, thoughts, and actions.

The Other is composed of the same elements that compose the Self.

Understanding that our reality is dependent on our internal state of affairs is the first step in ousting that demon of misguided truth.

Once the Inner Person is acknowledged, then the Outer Person is free to exist without reins. Once the Outer Person is free to exist then the The Self understands the him or herself as apart from the external forces which dictate the Other.

Understanding the delineation between you and the world is integral to understanding what makes you happy.

Mistake 5: Denying Yourself Acceptance

The only caveat is that we must maintain our sense of self even when the Other changes to retain autonomy of ourselves.

I failed to retain the autonomy of my true self, because I wanted to be accepted by this Other. In doing so, I feared internalizing the discrepancy of that difference, thus lying to myself in the process.

The end result was a self deception, and a blatant attempt at deception to the Other.

In short, I hadn’t grown enough to accept my current state of maturation was not willing to admit to myself that I did not have my shit together. Because, telling myself that would cause me to question my worth in deserving my ex, who upholds my standard of a good person.

But the question remains. Why did I do it?

I lost sight of the Big decisions, by seeking the Little Ones (my ex) as a means to an end. This instrumentalization led to the erroneous belief that I could validate an unstable image of myself as a person.

I did that because I was selfish. And I did that because I was too afraid to be a man, and face myself or her with my concerns in development.

I was not right with my own moral values first before finding love. I did affix them like concrete to my person. And I broke that promise.

I will forever regret how my decision to cheat impacted my ex. I also see, that it is the small decisions, and the pacts we make with our internal self that dictate our progression in this world.

I now promise to myself, that I will not forsake the Little decisions in favor of the Big ones, and stop hurting those nearest to me. If you did what I did, I want you to accept that you deserve to lose that person.

Choose to envision the cold consequence of life without that person. Choose to be loyal.

Finally, I wish you the ability to find yourself, without tarnishing your own self-worth  and that of others by the betrayal of cheating.

Because that my friend, is trash. It is a death by a thousand cuts.

Always learning,

The Worldly African